Self-love, self-acceptance, forgiving myself for thinking I do things "wrong."

From my journal:

In thinking last night about the day I had yesterday (especially re my reactions to stereo), the question occurred to me: Did I love myself today? Oh. I am reminded of that now, with rumblings of discontent from downstairs and something like uncertainly from myself. What is the “right” way to deal with this? I want to know. But there is no right way. What there is, is loving myself no matter what I do, even if it’s in reaction to what someone else does. Until I can do that, how can I expect myself to love someone else no matter what they do?

What is the response to all the judgments I pass on myself (eg, ...but I react, but I was inactive, but I didn’t do what I said I would, etc, etc)? Response: I love me!

Interesting – I saw that I pass judgments on myself to prove that I’m unlovable, not worthy of love. Obviously I have that as an underlying belief, still.

So how can I “prove” its opposite, that I am lovable? By loving myself! By being kind to myself. By looking after my needs. By not judging myself. Here’s one: By letting others love me! (12/06/06)

Loving myself unconditionally means loving myself when I show compassion for my noisy neighbour and when I react in anger to his actions/noise, with no difference in feeling between the two, with no judgment that one is better than the other. Wow! (11/05/06)

I think it’s our dreams, what comes up when we allow ourselves to daydream about the one thing that we want to do or excel at more than anything else.

But if we want that sense of aliveness to continue, we need to take steps, even if only baby steps, to bring us closer to the dream. Because if we dream it and sit on it---afraid to try for fear it doesn’t work out and we end up looking like a fool or whatever our personal nightmare is of the worst that could happen---we’re left with a sort of numbness, an energy drain, in the place where that dream lived. Not from trying and failing, but from dreaming and letting fear stop us from going for it.

In my experience, though, dreams never really die. They may hibernate for long periods of time while we’re making a living, raising a family, etc., but when we come back to allowing ourselves to dream there they still are, and we’re every bit as revved up about them as before. And we wonder what was so important that we let other matters take precedence over what has always made us feel most alive.

I breathe. I observe. I give the thing (or person) space. I remind myself that it is what it is, that it is free. I thank it for being a part of my life for a time. I open my hands which had held it so tightly and let it drift off, if it's ready.

I breathe some more, keep observing, give it more space...

That it comes in its own time, that the years of struggle and frustration and longing to be whole were not empty or in vain. They were filled, literally packed, with lessons designed for me alone, the exact lessons needed to take me from the place of the bottoming out---that moment when some part of me cried: This is what I want more than anything else in the world, to be whole---to this place of peace and contentment and knowing.

Ah, forgiveness, yes, one of my biggest struggles, how to forgive the unforgivable.

It seems to me now that the only true forgiveness is as simple (or difficult) as a suspension of judgment, an exploration of the possibility that there never was a perpetrator (and therefore no victim either), that no ‘sin’ had been committed against me and therefore, there was nothing to forgive. With no wrong committed against me, how could there be?

So forgiveness happens when I see that there is not now, and never has been, anything to forgive.

For some background on my understanding of forgiveness please see my blog response to What’s the most difficult thing you’ve forgiven?

From where I sit at my computer I look out on a large gravel parking lot built on the backs (so to speak) of trees that used to live in the back yard of this old house converted into apartments. The new owners took out four or five trees and four connected garages in order to make room for the lot, which serves as parking space for this and the next-door (commercial) property.

For some reason, the powers that be also removed the old ash tree that grew and extended its branches toward my kitchen window, nowhere near where the parking lot now is. For years the ash sheltered me from the world’s intrusion...

But I look out now and see the busy, tree-lined street that curves up and out, eventually ending at Gonzales Bay. And I get to see green lawns, colourful flower beds, shrubs, and trees of all sorts on neighbouring properties---I have a much broader view of my world than I did before.

In a way, this change is in line with personal changes that have brought me out of my high-ceilinged ivory tower. The physical changes in my environment are reflective of my greater interest in interacting with the world, my coming out, so to speak. New vistas opening up, with me writing myself into the world (in part thanks to the zaadz-gaia experience and especially, Diving Deeper). The chrysalis emerging...

This just in from TUT... A Note from the Universe:

When in a hurry, Ruth, step #1 for changing the entire world, is falling in love with it as it already is.

Same for changing yourself.

You like?
    The Universe

And best of all, Ruth, with this approach, there is no step 2.

Gasp! Took the words right out of my mouth.